10

                         Awareness of Vexations
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Object is object because of the subject;
        Subject is subject because of the object.
        Know that the two
        Are originally one emptiness.
        In one emptiness the two are the same,
        Containing all phenomena.

 These lines describe  a non-discriminating  mind in which,
 nevertheless, there is perfectly clear discrimination.

 In the course of practice, the more negative things you discover about
 yourself, the clearer you will be as to the road you should walk. After
 leaving mainland China, I was conscripted into the Nationalist army in
 Taiwan. At that time, everything was in a state of confusion and the
 troops were crowded together in a warehouse. In this warehouse there
 were no windows or lights, and at night people couldn't see their way
 to the toilet so many just relieved themselves where they were. Others
 who decided to feel their way outside ended up stepping on the mess in
 the dark. However, at daybreak one could see the shit very clearly and
 avoid it. It was a mistake to imagine that just because you couldn't
 see it, there was no shit on the floor.

 Those who have never taken up the practice are like the people in that
 dark room. No matter where they walk, they step into shit. Coming to
 retreat is like putting a light into the room. Maybe the light will
 only stay on for a minute, but at least you can see some of the problem
 areas. Gradually, you will be able to tell exactly where the shit is
 and where it isn't. The more you know, the less likely you will step in
 it. But to get angry when you discover problems would just be adding
 trouble to trouble. It would be as if, after realizing you stepped on
 some shit, you did it again just to punish yourself. Retreats are like
 road repair. When there is a problem underneath the road, the workers
 break up the pavement in order to fix the cables, pipes, or whatever is
 faulty. After they finish the work, they pave over it again and
 everything is just as it was before. Likewise, in order to make our own
 repairs, we have to break up the road and mess things up temporarily.
 Thus discovering one's problems in the course of practice is very
 useful, but do these problems actually exist?

 Yes, the miseries of the retreat are quite real. You are truly tired
 and uncomfortable. You are definitely in this place and not some other.
 Yet you must look at non-existence from the point of view of existence.
 When you can't concentrate on the method, when you haven't gotten
 enough sleep, and when your legs are painful, it is all really
 happening. But originally your legs were not painful. It was only after
 you started sitting that they became painful. If you stretch out your
 legs they will no longer be painful. Thus when you experience pain you
 should keep in mind that it doesn't have a true existence. If it did,
 it would be there even when you were not meditating.

 Though some of you have trouble concentrating, it cannot be that during
 the entire retreat there has not been at least once when you could
 concentrate to some extent. If you can use your method even for a very
 short time, that already lets you know that your scattered mind does
 not have true existence. Do not be fearful when your mind is scattered;
 just recognize that it is temporary. But when you succeed in
 concentrating, is that mind real? Of course not. If the mind were truly
 concentrated, it could not become scattered again. Now if both the
 scattered mind and the concentrated mind are unreal, that means there
 is originally no mind. If this is so, it should be very easy to
 progress in the practice. To be aware that mind does not exist will
 strengthen your faith, even though you have not experienced no mind. So
 long as you have faith in the non-existence of mind you can keep on
 practicing without any anxiety or disappointment.

 A small setback does not mean that you have failed; it is just that the
 time has not yet arrived. If you climb half-way up a mountain, you
 cannot say that you have failed. You just need to continue climbing
 until you reach the summit. One time I was in a car with a few people,
 driving up a mountain. After two hours, I asked the driver, "What's
 going on?  We don't seem to be getting anywhere on this mountain."  He
 said, "Actually, we have reached the top.  It was a very flat, gradual
 rise."

 Now let us look at existence from the point of view of emptiness. For
 example, a monk cannot say that women do not exist just because he does
 not have relationships with them. There is a story I often tell from
 the kung-ans. A monk who was practicing Ch'an was being supported by an
 old woman, who provided him with a hut and daily offerings of food. One
 day she decided to test his practice. She told her beautiful daughter
 to bring the monk his food, and then embrace him. The next day, the old
 woman asked the monk, "How did you find my daughter?" He replied, "Like
 dry wood leaning against a cold rock." With that, she grabbed a broom
 and shooed him away, saying, "All this time I thought you were a man of
 Ch'an!"

 Although this monk had reached a deep level of practice, he had not yet
 realized Ch'an. Being attached to emptiness, he denied existence.
 During a retreat, you can enter a state where you do not taste your
 food or know where you are walking. You do not recognize the person you
 are looking at. In this condition, your body follows the normal
 routine, but your mind is totally absorbed in the method. You have
 entered the great doubt sensation.

 Prior to this, when your mind is still scattered, I tell you to
 concentrate carefully on whatever you are doing, and to maintain a
 total awareness of every action. When you are completely focused, you
 may slip into the next stage, where you lose awareness of your body,
 even as it continues to function smoothly and automatically. The third
 level is a return to total awareness. However, unlike the first level,
 there are no scattered thoughts whatsoever. When you are eating, you
 are just eating. When you are sleeping, you are just sleeping. No more,
 no less.

 Originally you had to work very hard on your method, but when you get
 to the second level, everything flows naturally. The practice just
 keeps moving like a ball rolling down a hill. At that time, even though
 you are practicing very well, you would not think of yourself as
 practicing. This is called the true existence of emptiness. That is to
 say, you feel that nothing exists, but your mind is really there,
 working on the method. The experience of one's method and body
 disappearing can be due to two factors. On the one hand, one can slip
 into a kind of nebulous state out of pure laziness. On the other hand,
 a person using the method very well is just like someone so accustomed
 to riding a horse that they forget the horse beneath them. This is a
 good phenomenon.

 A person who has arrived at enlightened mind is looking at existence
 from the standpoint of emptiness. Once a Ch'an master was asked by his
 disciple, "If many calamities were to appear before you at once, what
 would you do?" The master answered, "Red is not white and green is not
 yellow. Whatever it is, that's what it is." But isn't seeing whatever a
 thing is how everybody sees things all the time?

 During the Sung Dynasty, China was invaded by the Mongols. When a band
 of warriors descended on a certain town, everyone fled, including the
 soldiers and the monks in the temples. When the Mongols entered the
 gates, they found that one Ch'an master had remained. Thinking that he
 stayed behind as part of a plot, they brought him before their general.
 When asked why he did not flee, he said, "Everybody has to die
 sometime. I could die here. I could die there. Why should I flee?" The
 general asked, "You are not afraid of death?" The monk replied, "I
 would not say that I am hoping to die. But if my time has come, then
 that's that." The general said, "I'm going to kill you." The monk
 replied, "All right. But I want to tell you something first. Don't
 think that you are killing me. Is your sword capable of killing wind or
 water? If you slice into water, you just separate it for an instant and
 then it comes together again. If you cut off my head, you just separate
 it from my body, but your killing me is your own business. It has
 nothing to do with me, because I neither desire nor fear death." That
 is to say, after enlightenment everything exists, but not the self.

 We have talked of emptiness from the point of view of existence and
 existence from the point of view of emptiness. Both existence and
 emptiness are existing and non-existing. Do you understand? Don't worry
 if you don't. If you truly grasp the meaning, you are already
 enlightened.


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